teasingkitten

I know I haven't posted in a while, and some of you have e-mailed and commented to make sure I was alright. Thank you so much for that, it is nice to know that I have people in the community that look out for me !
I have mostly been dealing with the end of school. This week is my finals week (Including next monday) so it's been a lot of last minute run through to make sure that everything is done, and a lot of revision to make sure that I can pass all my finals without any problems.

Other than that my life has taken another path and I have decided that as much as I love Master G and K that I will not be involved with them at least throughout this summer.
There are the previous reasons for that, a lot of questions that I had too that weren't quite answered even after long talks. I think the dynamics of three people in a relationship can be quite hard and there seemed to be a lot of back and forth from everyone on everything. It was quite confusing at time.

I also connected with someone as well the past two weeks and found myself really drawn to him and wanting to explore that relationship as well. Since he is not polyamorous, I finally decided to explore that relationship during the summer since we will be spending the entire summer together, and then when I get back home for school in August, to sit down and see where things are at that time.

Master G was very sweet and patient with me while I was making my decision and was understanding when I told him what was going on. At this time we're giving each other some space, or rather he is giving me some space in order for thoughts and feelings to get back to normal a bit, but I'm truly hoping that no matter what happens we will still be in each other's lives. Master G brought me a lot of happiness and opened my eyes to a lot of things that I need to work on in my life, specifically for my spirituality. It was so nice to finally be able to talk to someone about spiritual stuff without feeling like a "freak". My spirituality is so odd to most people who are christian and such that it can be daunting to start a conversation on that subject.
So, I'll be trying this summer to meditate a lot more, and I'm hoping to start practicing yoga again as well. By the end of the summer if I'm lucky I can go out camping in the woods for a few days in order to get back in touch with nature as well.

Anyways, that's what's been going on.
I'll try to update more, but it might be very mundane from now on :)

I have a computer again at the house. My second laptop decided to quit on me last week which is why I haven't been writing at all.
I have a lot of things to write about right now, but I won't be able to do so until tomorrow at the earliest.
Too much homework to take care of at the moment.

and it's driving me nuts.


Thought I would post this:

"Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about.

Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post (most likely a COMMENT) about it.

Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on yaoi, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques, etc.

Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other."

And see what happens.

I've finished my homework finally... it took me a week to write a paper. It's ridiculous, but at least I did it.
Other than that a bit lonely tonight, my roommate is gone for the rest of the week and Master G and K are spending some quality time together before she leaves back to her house.
It's good to spend time alone though so I'm not complaining, the house is just eerily quiet since I don't have the roomie to chat with or her TV on as usual.

I felt a bit like a yo-yo this week-end, but it was a good thing.
Master G and slave K came to see me sunday night after I managed to explain a bit more what was going on in my head to Master G. We talked for a while and were able to come to the conclusion that we can move forward, only very slowly and without so many labels.
I'm going to be Master G and slave K's friend and spend time with them, letting all of us have the time to get to know each other without being sent head first into a full blown relationship.
K was able to reassure me a little bit about her being able to handle all of this. She was truly open to working things out, I think she just needs to be able to have her time to sort things out when need be. So I decided to give it a try. Hopefully everything will work out for the best.
K and I seem to have an easier time at the moment, which is good.
I do miss Master G though, I've seen him a bit lately, but it's different with having all of us there, the energy is not as calm or as relaxing as when it's just us two, or I'm sure when it's just Master G and K. So there is still a lot of work there, but hopefully we'll get there.
I haven't been able to truly talk to Master either about the way he feels with the shape things are taking. I know that he wanted me to accept a training collar but we haven't talked about the way he feels now that the idea of the collar has been put aside. It's not truly that I need a collar in order to learn how to serve him anyways, but somehow it does make things a bit different.

Also I've realized that I'm more of a mischievous sub than I thought. I don't believe in always being "good" and never playing or teasing Master G. What's the fun in that? Each time I come up with an idea though K acts like I'm out of my mind. It's kinda funny actually.
Once I said I was going to pinch Master and she said that it was against the protocol!... "What?" was all that came to my mind... I think it's about time to make amendments to the protocol.
And then yesterday she was telling me how she was trying to wake up Master G once and she wasn't able to and I innocently said that a glass of water would have probably done the trick. She was outraged, lol. Ok, so I might not have actually had the courage to do that one, but knowing me it's a possibility.
I think, and that's in all relationships, that if I can't be safe in the knowledge that I'm allowed to play with Master (as in tricks, pokes, pranks, etc...) without him getting mad, the relationship is lacking in something very important and I won't be able to thrive in it.
How can people always take themselves and everything so seriously? It leads you to live your life in a zombie-like state with no laughter, no challenges, no true comfort.
So I warned Master G last night that I was not able to change when it came to being annoying.
I don't think that being mischievous takes away from being a slave or a submissive. Yes, it's important to show respect and be deferent, but taking away all spontaneity from the relationship is another matter. How can you show someone you love them without those moments?
Anyways, my thought for the day.

Master's slave, K, was great yesterday and we truly had a wonderful time. I think I have a tendency to bring her out in a bad light in my entries, but that's not the case at all. She truly is a beautiful person, but there are things that I don't think would go well if I entered into their family.

So I spent yesterday with Master G and his slave. Things were a bit odd of course.
My dog actually got sick in the morning, they were supposed to just pick me up and we would have spent the whole day together, but since I was worried about her things were a bit different.
First we went to the park with the dog so she'd have a chance to run and get sick again if she needed to. Things there were a bit odd since it was mostly me and Master G in the park and his slave, K, sitting on a bench. I wanted to talk to her but the approach was a bit hard to say the least.
When I felt comfortable enough to leave the pup for a while we went and had breakfast and started talking a bit, and then went back to Master G's house and he sent us to do the laundry and take some time out to talk and get to know each other.
That went really well. I was happy to have some time along with K in order to get to know her and talk about all the issues that were raised. We talked about our families, who we were, what we expected from this relationship, etc... Talked about the main issues (my youth, the problem of sex, her issues with Master G).
It seemed like we were able to make a lot of progress. K had decided to remove herself from sexual services with Master G until she reaches a level of comfort that she cannot have right now. And I could tell that it was tearing her up inside though. She also had a lot of issues of trust with Master G that she did not seem to be able to get over very easily. Trust with her own physical well being as well as mental well being.
There is an underground of annoyance and resentment at him that she feels that makes it really hard for her to accept things easily.

But we talked about things, and we got close enough to feel comfortable with each other, things were looking up and I was happy and looking forward to the rest of the day.
Master G brought up the issue of giving me a training collar, and I had to say no, even though my whole being wanted to say yes, because K didn't even have her own collar on at that moment, and we hadn't truly talked about all the issues that we were having.
So I told Master that he needed to give K her collar back before I would even consider wearing one. (He never took it away from her, but she was in the hospital and they had had to take it off of her. Master G simply did not think about putting it back on since then. K was miserable about having to walk around without her collar on.)
We also talked about the sexual aspect of the relationship and how K was not comfortable with having sex with Master at this point. Told her that we could take things slow. I think she had told Master G that she was fine with not being used sexually by him anymore the night before, but that was not the case at all when we talked about it. I knew that she would have a very hard time with not being able to be with Master so that was at the front of my concerns.

We talked a bit more and then moved on, we had to go check on the dog and make sure everything was alright, so we all left and did that. I started some laundry at my house and we went out to eat. During dinner my rib almost popped out as it is won't to do when I stress about things too much, and I had to get back to my place and rest for a bit.
During dinner was another interesting conversation between K and Master G that I witnessed. Master G had to go pick up friends to drive them to the club we were going to later on and K wanted to go back to their place to get ready. Master G said she could either go to my place and rest or come with him and drop everyone off and then get ready. K couldn't wrap her mind around Master's words. I don't know if she just didn't want to understand, or if there is truly an issue with communication between them, but I finally cut in and let her know what Master was saying. I also told Master that next time he might want to try a yes or no answer instead, lol.

Master G left to go run his friends to the club and me and K went home and this is when things got hard for me... actually they were hard for me before, during the afternoon I barely got the occasion to touch Master. I kept as much of a distance as I possibly could because each time I touched Master I could tell that K was having a huge problem with it and was fighting tears. So I tried to keep my distance as best I could, but by the end of the afternoon not even being able to be held by Master was bringing me to the verge of tears.
Well, once we got to the house, K was very sweet but she mentioned that the reason she had come with us to check on my dog is that she was afraid that had she not come along we would have had sex while she was by herself at the house. And that just threw me off, we had just talked about all these issues and I truly did not think that it might be a problem. Not that I think that Master G and I would have had sex, I think that yesterday being held and talking would have probably been good though and I didn't get that opportunity at all. Everything was made to make K comfortable and semi-happy and I really did my best to be there for her. But knowing that Master G and I having sex is such a big deal for her just shows me once more how unprepared for this she is.

And then when we went to the club, we were sitting down and she turned to me and asked if I had played with Master G yet, I was a bit surprised and said, that yes, we had played obviously. She asked me how many times, and I told her twice, once at the club that first time, and the second the first night I went over to Master G's place. Technically we played one more time, and many other short sessions during the week-end, but I didn't think mentioning them would be very smart.
She got very upset then, saying that if I played one more time with him I would have played more times with him than she had this entire year. So that was another red flag, if we're going to have to count exactly how many times Master plays with each one of us things are bound to get very tense very quickly.

Then Master spent some time with her at the club and played with her as well. Which was something that she needed so that was good. But I felt out of sorts after everything that happened. My back started hurting again as well and I was exhausted so I asked if I could go home.

Master G and K dropped me off and Master G walked me back inside my house, I really needed some kind of affection at that point but I had held myself so far away from him the whole day in order not to make K mad or upset that by that time I had built up really high walls and I just couldn't let go of them in order to get consoled by Master G.

When I was alone I cried for a while because I knew that I was going to make a decision that I really did not want to make.

I had to take the dog to the vet this morning so I couldn't spend time with Master or K today anyways, but I let Master G know that I wouldn't be able to move forward with the collaring or the relationship.
To me K feels too fragile and insecure about her own position and I really don't want to add to her and Master's problems.
K has a lot of issues that she needs to discuss with Master, issues of trust, issues of bitterness that her being a slave brings out, issues of not being perfectly in tune with him either. And I think that me being in the mix would only add to these and be a detriment to their relationship.

I'm having a hard time with this decision because as I said I haven't been so calm or so happy in years than when I've been with Master G. We truly have a great connection. Hopefully I will be able to move on without too many problems. At the very least I'm keeping in my heart this week that I got to spend with him, it was amazing.

I don't like crying.

It feels weird not to see Master G tonight. I know that he and his slave need time together, but I've gotten quite used to seeing him even for only a bit every night.
I was really spoiled this week!
I wanted to go out, but everyone that I called (which is not that many people seeing as I still don't have a large group of friends here) are busy with work or too tired to go out.
So no going out for me tonight, which really sucks *pout* I wanted to go dance.
I was thinking about going out on my own, but it just doesn't seem quite as much fun, and I don't want to have to deal with coming home by myself late at night.

So blerg is right.

Other than that I've started smoking again since I've been hanging out with Master G, and wouldn't you know it... my asthma's gone again.
How can smoking stop my asthma? I have no clue how that works, but that's usually the thing that makes quitting hard, because I know that as soon as I quit smoking my asthma is going to come back 10 fold.

I actually have a friend who also suffers from asthma, who has been smoking for years and year. He was told by a doc that if he ever quit smoking he could pretty much bet that he was going to die from an asthma attack right away.
My doctors certainly do not say that to me, and yet... no asthma for the past few days.

Well, yesterday was challenging to say the least. First I come home to see that my dog decided to eat food off the counter. She knows better and I had to get mad at her which I hate. She spent the day in the room waiting for me to calm down. In the evening she was welcome back in the living room and before I left for Master G's I gave her a long hug and rub to make sure she knew mommy's "mad time" was over.
She's a good dog, very very good dog, which is why I have a tendency to forget that she had the ability to be bad at times. I don't punish her anymore though, just give her time outs by now, she knows well enough what they mean.
I have been leaving her more often because Master G can't have dogs over at his place, and I think that might have to do with the way she is acting. So I'm going to have to be careful about not leaving her so often anymore. That's a big bummer for me as I just want to be near Master G as often as possible.

Then as I was writing a paper that I had due today my computer decided to freeze completely. No rhyme or reason to it, just froze and wouldn't start up again. Needless to say I lost everything that I had put down. Luckily I sent an e-mail to my teacher and she was kind enough to give me an extension, which is very very cool of her !

This week-end I should meet Master G's slave and am really looking forward to it. I think there are still a lot of issues that we're going to have to deal with. It seems that she goes back and forth on being comfortable with me being part of the family which I completely understand. I talked to her for a while last night on the phone and it was a bit frustrating and a bit enlightening. Now I'm just waiting to see what is going to happen tomorrow when we meet. I really hope it goes well because I haven't been as happy as I am with Master G in a very long time.

I also totally want to go out tonight and get some of my negative energy out through dancing. Yay for dancing!

I'm super tired today, and my school work seems not to be going so well.
I've finished what I needed to be done with today, but I still have so much stuff due the rest of this week that I haven't even started on. I can't concentrate on anything lately and it's driving me crazy.

I actually went to see the Dr. last week to talk about my lack of concentration. It's been ridiculous, I'm usually a procrastinator, but I'm always able to finish things on time. Nowadays though when it comes to writing a paper I'm absolutely incapable of doing it, pushing it back and back until I just have to do it or I fail the class. And even then, I'm unable to really give anything good to my classes.

When we spoke I told the doc that I thought that I've always had a mild case of ADHD, but that with the stress I've had lately it's exacerbated to the point where I can't cope with it on my own anymore.
We talked about it and he gave me a mild prescription for ADHD to take and sent me to a Psychiatrist to get tested on whether or not I do have the ADD. Well, the Psychiatrist has been out of town. I haven't filled the prescription for the meds yet because I don't have the money until Thursday, and I honestly don't know that I want to get on any medication.
But if I continue not being able to accomplish anything I will be forced to do it anyways.

Ugh, what a nightmare. I really need this semester to be over with as soon as possible. I can't handle much more.

On another note Master G makes me happy.

I just realized I forgot to mention being suspended for the first time this saturday. We went to a local dungeon with Master G and he managed to get me suspended since I'd never tried it before.
It was really interesting. The first time up I had to come down really quickly because I felt some of the rope slipping and was about to panic, so that maybe lasted a few minutes. I was doing a inversed suspension, where I was hanging from my hips basically with my head down.
I tried it again after the ropes were redone... it was really scary at first, being able to just see the floor and knowing that if something snaps you're falling down is not the best feeling in the world.
Plus I don't really like heights, I'm nowhere near as bad as my mom, but I just would rather not be up high is I can help it. So that was a little panicky at first, but I just closed my eyes for a while until I could relax enough.
At that point I was just holding on to the ropes, after a while I was told to let go and slowly did it, that was again terrifying, but the rush is nice. And my back cracked too and adjusted itself back, which felt amazing.
I can see the appeal of it and why people would do this, but I think that the scary factor is very much there with me.
After a while I just felt all the blood rush to my head and knew that if I stayed any longer I would be passing out from that. So I asked to be let down and WOW was it weird when I finally sat down and had my head back the right way. All noises falling away, everything at a weird angle or distance rather. It was odd. After a while I was able to get up and was fine, although I was terribly cold for the rest of the evening. Shivering to the point of my teeth chattering. Don't know why.
I spent I don't know how long curled around the heater when I got back to Master G's place in order to finally stop the shivering. That was a little annoying.
The next morning I also woke up hornier than I've been in months. I don't know if it's an effect of the suspension or just that I enjoy spending time with Master G so much, but either way it was fun!
Oh also, Master G said that I was up there for a long time, anywhere between 15 to 30 minutes while I thought I had maybe been suspended for 5 minutes max. That was interesting, as losing track of time is not something that happens very often for me.

So that was for the play, on what's been going on the past few days, I've gotten another e-mail from his slave and she was really really sweet today. I think that we are going to be able to work things out. I'm sure that we were both a bit taken aback by what was happening, and that we didn't know what to do with our own thoughts.
I told Master G last night that maybe one of the reasons I wasn't reading his slave well enough, is that I didn't know her in the first place. Sometimes e-mails can be so difficult to read when you don't know the person. So I think that I was definitely a bit on the defensive when it came to a lot of what was said. I can't say that all my fears have been alleviated, but at least we are making progress and you can't really ask for anything better.
So I'm excited to see how things work themselves out.

On a lighter note I've been reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Master G gave it to me this week-end.
The book is very good so far. I could have finished reading more than half of it by now but I actually just stopped reading after the first chapter. I guess one chapter a day should be good unless I'm on a roll. Each chapter gives you enough to read about in order to last for the rest of the day, if not weeks.
In the first chapter Eckhart talks about how our ego takes precedence over us knowing ourselves. The ego concentrates on a lot of different things that have nothing to do with who we truly are. He points out how the ego can lie in things that people own, or in thoughts that they have, etc...
I was thinking as I was reading and was trying to figure out where my own ego lies. Where does my sense of self come from?
It's not through possessions for me. While I have a tendency to be a pack rat, I could give up everything that I own if need be and while I would be a bit disappointed, I would not find my sense of self lacking from the change. There are a few things that I keep with me always that give me somewhat of a sense of self, but most of them are memories of people that matter in my life. I think that it gives them more a sense of existing than really creates my own sense of self.

Then I thought about how Eckhart says that the ego can also lie in your own beauty, in your physicality in a way. And I thought about that, and again I don't think that my sense of self truly lies in me believing that I'm beautiful. I feel as comfortable wearing the same clothes for a week and not showering as I do in a ball gown. I don't believe myself to be particularly beautiful, and if I were to lose some of the things that our society thinks is beautiful I would not be particularly changed.
Proof of this is when I lost most of my breast size when I started exercising. While I was a bit miffed, I did not feel that this was a loss that really affected who I was, or how I should act.

So the question is then, where does my ego lie? And I believe that my ego lies in my sense of intelligence. I know that I am smart, and thrive on it. I have a tendency to surf through life on that fact, without really putting too much effort towards anything. I don't put forth the effort in school, because I know that I can get good enough grades without pushing myself. I am proud of the fact that I finished High School when I was fourteen.
I am proud to be able to learn any job at an instant's notice, and to always excel at what I am told to do.
My mind is my pride, and thus my ego.

So now the question is how to get rid of that ego... that's something else and reserved for future chapters.

So as I said earlier my relationship with Master G seemed to be moving forward. But things with his slave aren't great. She tried to make contact with me, and her first e-mail was very nice and polite, letting me know that she had let her emotions get in the way and that she would be better in the future.
That made me happy and I wrote her back saying that I understood that things were not easy. We hadn't planned for any of this to happen, so being surprised by something like that is never fun. Went on to let her know that I was not trying to take her place, and that Master G is very happy with her and talks about her often. How I'm going to be traveling this summer and that I don't plan on staying here forever, so that I'm by no means a threat.

Her next message was very politely phrased, but there is an under current of anger to it that I really did not like. She is possibly the most passive aggressive person that I've encountered in a long time. And to be truly honest I quite hate passive aggressive ways. I'm not one to use devious ways of trying to explain how I feel. I'll tell you straight up what I'm feeling and what I expect, however most people aren't able to handle that very well I guess.

All in all told Master G that they needed to fix this before I thought about moving forward with anything.
I honestly don't think that his slave is ready for a polyamorous situation where things might be getting serious. And I have no plans whatsoever to make her leave by my presence, which she has hinted at already. While I feel a bit bummed out by this turn of events as I had understood her to be well situated and not as insecure as she is, I still wouldn't feel right to force my presence on her until she is truly ready.
We'll see. I'm not sure what this week-end is going to bring. I know that she is supposed to be in town, maybe we'll meet, maybe it will take her longer to be able to do that. I'm not really keeping my hopes up at this time.

Also she keeps on hinting at Master G injuring her while they are playing, which makes me uneasy, however from what I've seen and experienced with him I have nothing to be afraid of. He is also well established in the community and has a good reputation. I feel that it's another ploy in order to drive me away, and it's extremely frustrating. Not only because it is petty, but also frustrating because in a way her words are having an effect, as I'm thinking more and more whether or not Master G might end up hurting me more than is safe when we play.

Grrrr... Why do all relationships have to be so contrived? I had such a peaceful time this week-end and was really truly happy for the time being, and now it's slowly becoming a complication in my life instead, just because one person is insecure.
I guess truly I should feel more compassion for her, which I do in a way. But it would be easier to feel compassionate if she were open to my input. At this point, while her words might be polite and seem generous, the feeling that I get from her is that of refusal to deal with me. She's closed herself off and is trying to think of her and Master G as separate from myself and Master G, which is ridiculous since he would be involved in both of our lives.

Ok, that was my rant for the day.

So this week-end has been very interesting to say the least.
As I had said, I was supposed to go play with Master G on wednesday and was looking forward to it. However on wednesday I was still feeling very stressed out and upset about my mom's situation and ended up telling Master G that I wouldn't be able to make it. I explained to him the reasons and let him know that I was still wanting to play, but that I had to center myself first.
At that point I just felt completely outside of my usual self and did not know if I would be able to tell what my true limits were emotionally and physically. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I was afraid I would let things get too far, and then have a hard time recovering emotionally from them afterwards.

Anyways, Master G was extremely good about the whole thing, letting me make the change in plans and being very understanding. He offered for me to call him if I needed to talk.
I hate the phone so didn't call, but we ended up talking on the net the next day. He said that he was going to do some fire play with another sub that afternoon and that I was welcome to stop by and watch since the idea had been thrown out there that I might want to try it at some point. And he also offered to go out to the bookstore afterwards.
I was done with my homework and needed some company in order to get away from my thoughts, so I accepted and took the bus to his place. It was storming snow and I hated it, but once I got there I was happy enough to have made the decision to come along.
The other sub was very sweet and interesting, we found that we had a few things in common. I watched the fire play session, it was nothing very long or involved, Master G was just showing her what to expect since they are doing a workshop soon.
I thought the fire play was interesting, but I don't know how well I would do myself with it. It is downright scary to think of it happening to me. The fire play on the body seems alright enough, although I could tell it hurts, but the fire flogger is terrifying. The fire itself would be scary enough but add to it the sounds that the flogger makes and it's pure torture. Fun to watch though.
After talking for a bit we left for the bookstore and the sub left as well. The bookstore was great. It's this whole store of spiritual/Philosophy/Psychology books. I was so happy to know that it exists. There is a whole section on Native American Spirituality that I intend to devour as soon as I get a little bit of money. I've just re-made my altar at home, so I'm looking forward to getting back on track with my meditations and improving myself.

We then went back to his place and Master G asked me if I wanted to try and play even though I was in a weird mind set. I accepted since I felt comfortable enough and trusts him to know when I've had enough. The play was nice, I got to feel paddles for the first time (I know, I'm ignorant of a lot of toys) I hated them at first because they sting so bad, but once I got warmed up I actually quite liked them. The feel was very hypnotic in a way and I soon fell into a daze. I didn't actually fall into subspace per say, because my mind was still too worried about a lot of things, but I did find a sense of relief and a center.
We then cuddled on the couch and I actually fell asleep, so did Master G. We had established that we would wake up early enough for me to get to school.
Well... things didn't quite work out that way. I ended up skipping school in the morning, which wasn't bad since I didn't have anything due and I had told my teachers about my mom and how I might need a day or two off. Master G and I spent friday together then, and it was really nice. It had been a long time since I'd felt that comfortable with anyone, and I was taking advantage of it.

I didn't think that the relationship with Master G would evolve into something more than just play, but I'm very happy that it did. We talked a bit about what I might want in my life, if a D/s or M/s relationship might be something that I would be interested in. I told Master G that while I would be very happy to get into a M/s relationship that at this point in time I had already a lot on my plate with school and work and that it would have to be entered in consideration if we were to move to that level. I cannot have anything interfere with school at this point in my life, not even something as nice as a healthy M/s relationship.

The rest of the week-end went very well. I did a few things with my roommate and friends, but spent most of it with Master G. I don't think I've been that content (or that sore) in a very long time, so the week-end was perfect.

However, just as Master G was about to drive me home tonight, his alpha sub called and things took a rather nasty turn. While they had already talked about the fact that I was going to be playing with Master G, and I already had been told about her, I don't think that she thought that things would move forward so quickly. To be quite fair I don't think that either myself or Master G thought so either. So she was a bit taken aback to learn that I had spent the week-end over.
Then there was a bit of drama, she asked to speak to me and tried to get to me through guilt trip. I didn't say much other than asking her if she was alright and letting her know that this was something that she needs to talk about with Master G.
We have not officially started a M/s or D/s relationship yet, and things might take a while, so I don't want to be forced into giving opinions at this point.
It did bring a sour note to the week-end however, because she managed to make me wonder if I would be entering a safe and healthy relationship. Master G and I talked about it and it seems that things should be alright.
I did tell him that I would not be willing to enter any relationship where there was going to be anger or resentment directed at me. If his alpha slave is not able to handle me coming into their lives, then I will not entertain the idea of even starting a relationship. While I am willing to work through issues as they come up it has to be in a situation that is open minded and loving.

So that was the week-end, quite a bit more than what I expected.

I'm looking forward to this wednesday. Will be able to play with the Dom I played with last week. I might be trying fire play for the first time, although I'm not sure that I'm comfortable enough with him to do such an intense play session yet.
Fire play is just downright scary to me, and while I know that it's not "that" bad, the mental aspect of it is terrifying.
We'll see, other than that, simply a full force flogging would make me happy.
I definitely need release of one sort of another, my life has been incredibly stressful lately, and I've gotten some bad news about my family this week-end, so I need to get away from the stress of my life.
I've been meditating a bit more since last week, which has been nice. I needed to get grounded again, it's been a long long time since I've meditated.
I also need to exercise some way or another. Preferably yoga, but anything would do, really.
Hmmm... I hate exercise.

I played at Continuum this week-end. (A BDSM play party). Usually public forums aren't one of my favorite things, but since I've moved here it's an easier way to meet new people and be able to get some sort of play in.
I know already a few of the people there from being involved in the goth crowd, so it's a safe and fun place to go to once a month. I do wish that it was held more than once a month. I was spoiled when I was in LA and able to play every single week.

This Continuum was interesting, I played with a Dom that I hadn't played with before and honestly I don't think I've ever been beat that hard since I became part of the community. I never really coined myself as a pain slut, but I might have been mistaken...
I have not been to sub space in about a year, haven't played much, and the few times that I've played have not felt like going into sub space, and was not challenged enough I guess to go there either.
This time, there was no question, I was forced into it and none too gently. It was probably the first time I crashed so hard and so quickly into sub space. Usually getting into sub space for me is very slow and gentle, and I just have a tendency to "wooze" off if that makes any sense.
This time I was jerked from one moment of screaming in pain to another of complete acceptance and relief and of... just being gone. There was no more fight in me at that moment and I let go completely.
It was really amazing.
I had never experienced it, and I think I am very much in love with the concept. But at the same time I am a wuss when it comes to pain, I am amazed at what I was able to take saturday night. I was actually fighting to get away, which is something that I've never done in all the time I was a sub. I'm usually very respectful and while I have my days, I'm in no way a very "bratty" sub, I enjoy giving away my power, and do not like to fight for it against the Dom I'm playing with.
This time, there was no questioning with the pain, I was fighting no matter what my mind was telling me. Luckily the Dom didn't mind, but talk about risking getting in trouble.

All in all a very good week-end, and I'm very excited to see what is going to happen next time.

I had a good week all in all.
There was a lunar eclipse on wednesday night, that was a lot of fun. My roommate and I went outside and took a few pics of it. We'll see how the pictures turn out. I really hope I have at least one that shows how gorgeous the moon was.

Then I found at game stop the first complete season of Bleach (24 episodes) for $1.99 ! Went to the counter to ask if the price was right and the guy nodded. I was in heaven. I love when things like that happen.

Tonight I'm headed out to Neo, which should be fun.
I will need to catch up on homework this week-end, and I'm afraid I'm getting a cold at the moment, but it might just be because I changed my asthma inhaler yesterday, and my throat is getting used to the new medication. We'll see.

I just recently moved to Chicago. I'm a 24 y/o submissive girl. I have a tendency towards being a slave more than just a submissive, however I do not have a Master right now and am just playing in the scene at this point.

I have found a nice BDSM scene here in Chicago, although it is a bit "young" for my taste. But so far, even though the Doms are young, they are respectful and eager to learn which is always nice to see.

I'm still observing the scene, I am a bit puzzled as I think that there aren't too many Doms in the younger crowd that recognize sub space. The play here seems fairly limited to a flogging or canning and then complete abandonment of the sub to her friends after the play session. I'm still new though, so I'm waiting to see a bit more action before I start putting judgment out.

I can't wait to find out more and get to play again. I've missed it...